Sexting and Talking to Teens
Sexting has been a big topic for the last several years, especially as teens and pre-teens are getting access to phones and tablets at a younger age. When I was a counselor, this was a topic that I brought up with my students, but it was a hard one to address as someone that was just seeing them in a counseling environment. I was able to educate them on what it was, the consequences, and why not to do it but without access to their social lives, I really had no idea which of my students were at greatest risk of getting themselves tied up in it. This was a topic that I really knew was so important for parents to be informed about so that they could be vigilant of their kids.
The facts about Sexting
Sexting is sharing sexually explicit messages, typically images, by sending, received, or forwarding electronically, many times through a cell phone. But sexting does not have to be from a cell phone, that just tends to be the device used by most individuals.
The distribution of images of children under the age of 18 is consider child pornography and is illegal. If your child is found distributing these images (even of themselves), they can technically be charged with distribution of child pornography. If your child is found with images on one of their devices, they can be charged with possession of child pornography.
A recent study by the Journal of American Medical Association found that almost 15% of youth send sexts and 27% are receiving sexts. That means that almost 1 in 7 youth are sending sexts, and almost 1 in 3 are receiving sexts. In addition, about 12% of teens have forwarded a sext without consent. The study also found that as a youth age, those rates increase.
What to do about it and how to talk about Sexting
Talk to them about sexting and the risks in participating. Of course, many kids to not think they would ever get caught and many do not think they would be betrayed by a partner or friend who would forward their image to someone else. Teens really live in the now, they do not think about the future. It doesn’t occur to them that there is a future when they will not be with their current partner, a future when one of their friends would betray them, or a future when their sext would be in the hands of someone for whom it was not intended. Therefore, telling them that their friend or partner could share the image with others, is not something they would believe would happen to them. Your conversations should include the dangers and what could happen but more importantly it should be about what a healthy relationship looks like and why it does not need to include sexting. Here are some talking points:
- A healthy relationship should not involve someone pushing you beyond what you are comfortable with. It should involve mutual respect of each other and boundaries.
- You can have a healthy and fun relationship without sending sexual images.
- It may feel like everyone is doing it and therefore it’s ok, but that is not true. What is happening is that some people send a sext to someone they trust and that person is forwarding that message on to others.
- Your body is yours to share as you want and therefore you should have control over it. Once you share an image of yourself electronically, you lose that control.
Be Vigilant and Monitor Online Activities
As parents, we need to be very vigilant of our kids activities online as well as on their mobile devices. Parents really should be watchful and observant of all their kids’ social activities. It gets difficult because many of us want to believe that are kids are doing the right thing and that by teaching them, they will always know what to do. And for most kids, that is true. Especially if you have had open and honest conversations with them early on. But we still need to set expectation when it comes to their online activities. And we still need to be part of their online world because there are dangers. I encourage you to participate and learn the different social media platforms your kids are using. I encourage you to follow your kids on social media and to set rules around their social media participation. You should have access to all their social media accounts (logins and passwords), as well as to their cell phones, and any other devices. I don’t think you need to stalk your kids or check their accounts all the time. I think you need to be able to have access if you are feeling like something is going on. And most importantly, talk to your kids about why you need to have access. It’s not about invading their privacy, it’s about keeping them safe. This is about you having rules and expectations for their behavior on- and off-line. You can even tell them, you will only access their account with them present. That way you can talk through any issues real time and set those expectations.
Remember your Role as a Parent
We frequently need to remind ourselves that our first role is not to be their friend, it is to teach them and guide them so that they can have healthy, productive lives. Being involved in your child’s activity online should never be about being nosy just to see what they are up to, it should be about protecting them and making sure they are safe. And vigilance isn’t just about looking out for sexting, it’s about bullying, stalking, and other dangerous activities that happen online. I think this is one of the things that we worry about most with our teens. Mostly because this is new territory for many of us. We did not have the online social lives that our kids have. And we really feel like we have little control over their behavior. Truthfully, in the end, teens are going to do what they want but gearing them with information is something we can do. They really do listen, so continue to talk to them. As a parent, remember there are great resources to help you navigate the days of parenting.
